The Only Thing That's Certain in Uncertainty

I don't have much time to blog these days, but I'll leave you with this.

This is a song I try to listen to when I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed out with life.

Nearly 4 months...

It's not hard very for me to remember what it was like to be mama to one. Things were predictable, less complicated, and easily fixable. There were breaks, and down time, and regular intervals of quiet in the house. That was less than 4 months ago.

4 months? It's really been nearly 4 whole months since I gave birth to my baby girl. It's been 4 almost 4 months since I last laid in my bed, took a nap, took a bath, read a book? Yeah that's right, almost 4 months.

I was in the middle of cleaning up our living room just a few minutes ago when I thought to myself exactly how poignant I have begun to feel over the in's and out's of daily life. I was picking up a coloring book and crayons off of the coffee table. The exact coffee table that once was covered with various large pieces of paper for Jonah to color on, an activity that held his interest quite successfully for days on end right after Lily was born.

Then I started to think, "How is it that I actually have 'memories' of when Lily was a 'baby'?" It hasn't even been 4 months! Oh my gosh, it's already been 4 months!

So these sleepless nights, days when I don't get to my laptop until 10 o'clock at night, the times when I can't believe how messy and cluttered our living room is, and those times when I sit down to go to the bathroom and think to myself that "I've really got to get to cleaning this toilet!" are only temporary. I won't be putting a binky back into a sleepy baby's mouth forever, I won't be hanging off the edge of my bed because a toddler has wedged his way in between his Daddy and me until he is 18 years old. I won't be washing baby bottles or looking for "lost" baby monitors until the day I die.

But what I will have is a loving family, a gorgeous, beautiful, daughter, and handsome, charming son, to call my own until the end of time.

So today, I am treasuring sloppy kisses from my boy and sharo little baby nails digging into my arm as she holds on for dear life. I am okay with spit up on my shirt and dirt beneath my toenails, because it means I am spending all my time and all of my love right in the heart of this thing we call family.

And when those days are so hard I can barely stand it, or when it is so difficult to keep my eyes awake during a 1am feeding, I am remembering that there will be a day when they will be grown up and gone, and those sloppy kisses and spit up on my shoulder will forever be distant memories inside my soul.

I simply can't bare to think of those days, so for now, I am living them, in the moment, because it is ever so special to be right where I am. I am the luckiest Mommy in the world.



And no matter how hard or time consuming ot utterl

What This Mama Needs

I often blog about the daily happenings of our household. Such as, the way my heart hurts when thinking of my baby girl growing up so fast, or the sleep issues regarding the kids, or sometimes just to show off the grin and laughter coming from the cutest 3 month old I know. Sometimes you'll even see the wasted posts I write regarding random things, but hey, those posts help pay the bills, so you'll just have to deal (no matter how much you and I both hate seeing them on this blog). But lately, I seem to be leaving out "Me" and what I have been feeling in my heart and in my head these days. And the struggle of being a Mother. Becoming a Mom to Two instead of a Mom to One resulted in a change in me that I didn't know existed. And at first, I wasn't quite sure I was cut out for all this. The extreme whirlwind that is a direct result of the shift from have one child to having more. My time was immediately divided and no longer focused soley on Jonah. The thing is, I knew no other way. I didn't know how to fit this needy, demanding, and sassy little being into a life I hjad become so accustomed to. You see, I am a creature of habit and someone who HATES change, like with a fiery passion. And those 2-3 days in the hopital before returning home to a completely different life are not near enough time to let the adjustment sink in.
It was so overwhelming, and some days, it still is. But I have grown immensely in the idea that not everyday is going to be as predicatable as it once was. I have learned to cherish the little things (like a hot shower or the rare times they are both sleeping at the same time or the power of a few hours one day a week of the help of a Nanny). I no longer think of myself; and all of my actions now revolve around what is best for the kids, not best for me. Yes, I am doing what so many mother's do, and I am putting myself last on that list called Life.
Something I have to say I miss ever so much is my "Friend Time". There was a time when I hung out on a regular basis with a really awesome group of Mommy Friends. We went out to dinner a few times, a really cool Chicago party, and met at the park for weekly playdates for an entire summer. Those were the best times of my life as a Mom. Those were the times that I could relish in the fact that I was a Mama, without having to actually "BE" a Mama at that given moment. I was surrounded by like minded people, who actually liked to hear stories about my kid(s) (well, at the time I only had Jonah). It was a time that fulfilled me in a way that nothing else has come close to making me feel recently. It made my heart feel good and satisfied my NEED for what I call Mama-Friends. They were good influences on me, and made me a better person, a better wife, and a better mom.
A variety of circumstances have lead me to fall away, and I blame myself mostly. Because when I got pregnant with Lily, it was total yuckiness all over again. I never left the house, except to work, since I was so sick. I had to turn down a number of invites and I think the Mama's just got tired of me saying "No". I just really want to get out again, and hang out with these amazing Mama's more often, because I miss them dearly, oh so much. And I need them, probably more than they know.
I have stuck close to a few Mama's, and it's been great to have them to lean on in tough times and laugh with when things are great. They know who they are, and i am so deeply indebted to them for getting me through the tough times, with tears, and laughter, and hugs, and encouragment. I just want to see them, all of them, on a regular basis, and even though leaving Lily is tough, and bringing her with is sometimes even "tough-er", I want to make it work, because my heart is empty without my Girls! I need my tribe, I need them to make my heart feel full again.

Brother and Sister, Can You Tell?

I took the top picture of Lily a few days ago and when I pulled it up on Picasa realized that I had a picture of Jonah that seemed to be very similar to it. I for some reason can't qute make it much bigger, but I think you all can definitely see what I see, right? Crazy how similar they look.

It Won't Be Like This for Long

"One day soon that little girl will be all grown up and gone...."

I never let Jonah cry. Not when he was a little bitty baby, not when he was a little older, and not now, at the age of 2. When I first became a mom, I never told myself that I was going to parent under the "attachment parenting" lifestyle, because frankly, I had never heard of it. But as my husband and I grew as parents, we quickly discovered that there were things we (atleast I did, maybe he just agreed cuz he knew it was important to me) felt very strongly about. And letting him cry was one of them.

With all the recent (why am i fooling myself, it's not so recent) attempts and trying to make Jonah sleep by himself, alone, all through the night, it had been lying heavily on my mind and my heart that I don't want to raise Lily to be such a bad sleeper too. So, I have been trying my best to lay her down while she is still awake, but really sleepy. I am trying not to get her too dependant on rocking and bouncing to sleep. I am trying to be completely silent and uncommunicative when she wakes up at night, so she knows nighttime is NOT playtime. I am trying not to respond to her whimpering right away (of course, I do go to her when she full out cries), the thing is, I am hoping not to spoil her. And I know, I know, you can't spoil a 10 week old baby, I've heard that before.

But I am starting to realize, that by laying her down so quickly after rocking her, and not interacting with her in the middle of the night and so on, that I am missing out (and she is too!) on those special moments that I remember and cherish so much from when Jonah was just a baby. Looking into his eyes by the light of the nightlight at 2am. Feeling and seeing how content he was after getting a clean diaper and a full belly, while the rest of the world was sleeping. By hearing the precious little lullabies softly play in the background as I rocked him to sleep (and quite often fell asleep in the rocking chair with him in my arms). And how just watching him sleep in my arms was enough to bring tears to my eyes (it still does).

Those are moments I will never get back, and will forever live in my heart. I don't want to miss out on these times with Lily, because I know I may later regret trying to do things the right way for everyone else, and not the right way for us.

I guess I am scared she will become too dependent on me to fall asleep, and we will have another horrible sleeper like Jonah on our hands.

But really, is it so bad that the kids need us there? It's not like Jonah is a messed up kid. He is quite normal for a two year old, and yes, he still wakes up in the middle of the night, and yes, he still needs Mommy or Daddy (yeah, he is taking well to me again) to fall back asleep. And yeah, it sucks to get woken up every single night and to have not slept a full night in over 2 years. And yeah it is draining and tiring and exhausting.

But you know what, I'm okay with that. Because we will never get these moments back. And if it takes sleeping in bed with Jonah for a few hours a night, all wrapped up in his cuddles and getting a chance to spend that quality time making him feel safe and warm and content, then so be it. And even if it keeps Todd and I from sleeping the entire night in the same bed, that's okay. We have the rest of our lives to be together. There will come a time when the kids no longer want us around, and they'll be all grown up and gone.

And we're gonna miss this.

***best eye cream for wrinkles***

I have these pretty dark circles under my eyes and I have had them for as long as I can remember. So I can’t blame it on not sleeping one night through for over 2 years due to being a Mama. I have tried a number of products that help with dark circles, and now the fine lines I am seeing around the eyes as well. And with all tose products I have tried I have spent a lot of money to find out that they just don’t work. Well there is this really great website where you can find and submit review of what you think is the best eye cream for wrinkles. What a valuable resource, wish it was around when I started buying the products I did. Now, we can all benefit from finding out what other real women think of a product and not just a picture on some fancy label.

***notebook memory***

Laptop computers don’t come with that much memory installed, unless of course you do all the upgrades at the time of purchase. But who really can anticipate how much notebook memory you are going to need and use? You don’t want to get too much and waste the money. And you don’t want to get too little and risk having to purchase more at a later time. So getting your laptop all set up from the get go is key and Memory Suppliers is here to help.